Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
