It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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