My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
