Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
