yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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