I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so let's talk penis.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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