Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So many bounce houses so little time
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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