Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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