absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
