I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
