I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
