Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
