I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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