Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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