I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
