Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sext me about skeletons
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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