I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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