I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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