Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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