Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
