it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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