I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
