My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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