Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
