9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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