I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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