You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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