Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
