My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize