My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
