She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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