That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
