If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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