I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
