I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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