i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
