whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize