Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
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