Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
