alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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