So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just threw up on my dentist
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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