Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
