I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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