So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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