I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
