Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
