John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
