my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize