I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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