I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
