next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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