just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
two words: eviction party
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
