I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
