apparently the secret to your success is patron
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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