I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
