a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We need to rekindle our bromance
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize