Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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