Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
